6 months ago a sweet angel baby was born. She was 8lbs 9 oz and 20 inches long. She had light brown hair and dark eyes. She was beautiful. I couldn't wait to hold her and when I did, I couldn't stop crying. She was everything I ever wanted and more!
I remember being in the delivery room when she was born, touching her for about 30 seconds before they whisked her off me because they were concerned about meconium intake possibly. All was well, but those few minutes I just stared at the baby bed, I couldn't see her because the nurses were in my way. Wilson was crying and taking pictures and video and no one would tell me if she was alright. Finally Wilson looked at me and told me she was perfect.
Le sigh.
Then in a flash everyone left me. The doctor sewed me up, the nurses left with the baby along with my husband and I sat alone in that delivery room for about 30 minutes. Those were the longest minutes of my life. I mostly thought about where she was, what were they doing, how I wished I could see her, watch her get her first bath, stand next to her and talk to her and tell her she was ok and hold her hand. I thought about the delivery, how long it was, but how I felt no pain and didn't really remember some things about it. I felt alone, cold and tired and bit shaken up I guess. It was scary. The party had moved outside and no one let me go. Hey, I did all that pushing and got her here, why can't I come too?
Finally the doc came back in, surprised the nurses hadn't shown up to take care of me and he ran out to get one. She came quick and pulled all the iv's and tape off me. I think that hurt worse than the delivery, the tape used to tape all my iv's and epidural in.
Then Mom showed up and I felt much better. Moms can do that. Mom was in my room when Elizabeth was born, but she didn't get to stand near me like Wilson. The delivery room was small, not a lot of room to have 2 people stand by you. I wished I could have held her hand some too. She was there when I was born, and I was so honored for her to be there when her grand baby was born. Like a passing of the torch feeling. :-) She was about as tired as I was, having been there at our house for a few weeks helping me clean and get organized for the baby. She is a saint my Mom. She gets me focused when I don't want to be. If I didn't have my Mom I don't know how I would have turned out. I know she will always be there for me for motherly advice and to be my friend.
Back to my story... I got to get out of my bed and was rolled down to my new room. Some friends had come, Emily and Josh. It was late, at least 10pm and I was so surprised to see them there. They followed me to my room and sat with me for awhile and chatted about the delivery and said nothing but wonderful things about our daughter.
2 hours later and still no baby. My blood pressure was very high and our friends were told to leave so I could rest. We said our goodbyes and I closed my eyes in the dark room. It was cold and I was comfortable, but something was missing. Oh, my husband and my baby girl.
Finally Wilson showed up (he was taking pics of Elizabeth in her "holding station" hehe...)and we sat awhile waiting for Elizabeth. She was soon wheeled to our room and I got to hold her, immediately that pressure went down. It was a funny feeling holding her for the first time. I mean I felt like I knew her, her little habits already, but she was also so new to me, like a stranger. It's hard to explain. But I knew I loved her more than life. We mostly watched her all night and the next few days were a mess. I cried, I cried and I cried. Oh Lord how I cried at nothing and cried at everything. Wilson was the perfect husband. He is so comforting and I don't know if I ever thanked him for being there for me. Thank you baby.
I really feel bad for women out there who do not have supportive partners or partners at all. I don't know how I could have gotten through the first 4 weeks of her life without him. I know I have family who is always there for me, but there is something about having a husband who is caring and understanding of how you feel. And if he didn't understand, he did a good job of just listening and being there. :-)
Here are a few things I remember about her first 6 months of life.
1. That cry! Oh how I miss her newborn cry. I never wanted her to cry of course, but to hear it now would make me so happy. It was the sweetest most wonderful cry I ever heard. I could pick her out of a crowd of babies.
2. The swaddle. One of our first shopping trips out of the house with Elizabeth was to buy a Swaddle blanket at BRUS. This was very important to us as we needed sleep and so did she. I think the minute we got home with it we swaddled and slept. But it only worked as long as she kept her arms in which lasted till she was about 2 months. These new fangled swaddle blankets with velcro are a must have. I hear they now make one that has a zipper which is better than the velcro called the Woombie or something. Looks like a little straight jacket (which I sometimes felt bad looking at her in it with her tiny bebe head sticking out) but I had to remember she had absolutely no room in the womb to move so she was used to it. I hear some peeps swaddle up till 8 months or so. Now that is weird. I think there comes a time when a baby needs to learn to sleep without "womb-like" assistance. Arms all akimbo and relaxed in her bed.
3. Momma cried. A LOT. I knew I would get some sort of blues but I wasn't sure what I would cry about. Would I cry about being tired and wanting sleep, would I cry because I didn't know why she was crying, or because I was frustrated as to what to do with a baby? No. I mostly cried because I loved her more than words could express. All I had to do was look at her and I would melt. Still do. I couldn't believe I was looking at the baby that was kicking and hiccuping around in there for 9 months. It's still hard to imagine she came from me. God is amazing.
But I did cry out of frustration a lot. She wasn't breastfeeding well, I felt sad that I couldn't give that to her in full. I felt like if I didn't breastfeed I would miss out on some bonding experience. But that is not true. You don't need to breastfeed to bond and I was foolish to think so. You know what, I wasn't foolish, I was just new to it all and now that I know, maybe next time around I won't be so hard on myself, more relaxed and maybe it will work...or not...and I'm ok with that. I just wanted her to be happy, full and satisfied and when I was told I wasn't doing that, I felt inadequate. Good thing I had my hubby there to support me and tell me that I was being a great Mom and that our little girl was healthy and happy.
4. Those baby hands. Elizabeth would lay her hands on her tummy on top of each other when she slept in my arms. It was almost as if that was what she was used to while in my tummy. She looked peaceful and prayerful, like a true angel.
5. "Song Hour" Everyday at 4pm we sat on the couch and sang songs. Mostly Sarah McLachlan. She was smiling at 3 weeks and she was a perfectly quiet baby during "Song Hour". I would feed her and sing to her and she just watched my mouth move and smile. Oh what a joy it was to see her smile. I think I need to start up "Song Hour" again. and she loved to dance too. Dancing, waiting for Daddy to get home for kisses.
6. Her new baby smell. It smelled like milk, powder and sweet baby girl. It was the best smell ever and I will always remember it. I imagine heaven smells like new baby.
7. Her baby nicknames: Snuggalee Baby, Angel Baby, Baby Girl, Bubble Lips.
8. Her bassinet...Was my bassinet, my mother's and my brother and sister's when we were all babies. It's been passed down to all the babies and will be passed down for all the future babies in the family. My sister fixed a sweet eyelet cover for it and she's had it since her girls were born. I was so excited when I got to borrow it for Elizabeth. I pictured Elizabeth in it and I couldn't wait to lay her down in the bassinet for her first nap. It was the first thing I did when I got her home.
Her first picture at home in the bassinet. 2 days old.
The first thing she did was curl her legs up and wait for us to snap this picture. Just look at those frog legs! Oh, but she moved out of that bassinet quickly. and I shed some tears. and Wilson told me it was going to be ok. She moved from the bassinet beside my bed, to the portable bed in front of my feet. About 5 feet away from me. But it was 5 feet too long for Momma and I couldn't see or hear her and I couldn't put my hand on hers while we slept. Sometimes all it took was a touch from Momma to help her quiet down, and I was going to miss that. For all the times I was tired those first few months and all the times I didn't want to get up to feed her because I thought I would die from lack of sleep, I would do it again in a heartbeat just to snuggle her and hold her hand and help her fall back asleep. Momma was there for her and now Momma was far away.
9. Hello new teeth! She got her first tooth on Valentine's Day. I will always remember Valentine's Day as the day I got my first period and now the day my daughter sprouted her first tooth. Weird. But it is exciting. and I love feeding her cereal and veggies. She makes the darndest faces while she eats and loves to watch TV, like her Mommy and Daddy, while she eats her meals. That's probably not a good thing and maybe next feeding we will listen to music and chat. I'm excited to watch her grow up, learn to eat new foods and I can't wait for the days we sit at our kitchen table, eat dinner and talk about our day as a family. I saw one family on TV that had a ritual at every meal. Each child would say what they didn't like about their day and then what they loved about their day. I can't wait to ask Elizabeth that.10. The crib and her room. So I told my husband I wanted to try and get Elizabeth to start sleeping in her room back in January or February. I struggled with it. She was only 4 months old and still sleeping in our room. Her room was upstairs and felt like the other side of the world to me. Once again, I had to let her go and I wasn't ready. She needed us close by. What if she cried out and I didn't hear her? It was going to take me longer to get to her. It was comforting to have us all in one room, one big family. She was close, Wilson was there and Momma was happy. I teared up every time I thought about moving her to her room.But I had to let go. and so I did. I fed her, rocked her to sleep and walked upstairs. Gave her a kiss and called for Wilson to help me set up the monitor. I tried to not think about it. As I left her room I grabbed up some new clothes from her closet...she was getting bigger and her little onesies weren't fitting anymore. I sat on my bed and sorted her new clothes. and finally let go with tears. Once again Wilson told me she was ok, and not far away and I watched her monitor and she was happily asleep. How in the world can she be happy away from me? hehe... But she is, she's a big girl and Momma needs to relax. Which is exactly what I did. I turned on my TV, folded laundry and finally relaxed in my room. It was a good night and for the most part she slept well. Has only woken up a few times, I'm sure due to her teeth, and now sleeps most all night in her bed.It sure is hard to let them grow up. Now I understand and I will always have trouble letting her grow up, but I will let her and hope she will one day feel these same things too if she has children. It's a feeling like no other.Happy 6 months Baby Girl! I love you forever.Love, Momma
Midnight moonlight shining through the curtain lace
Paints a perfect picture on your perfect face
One sweet angel sleeping in my arms
You are the promise I knew God would keep
You are the gift that makes my world complete
And you'll never know how much I love you
But I'll keep on telling you my whole life through
Now I believe in miracles, and you're the reason why
So dream on while I sing you my angel's lullaby
~Reba M.
